Sunday, January 10, 2010

Maybe I am Just High on HopeyChangey

Mormons are crazy. Anyone who has read even three sentences of the ill-conceived drivel I contribute to the blogosphere on a not-so-regular basis already knows this. But on this particular day, this particular Mormon is particularly crazy. Why? Because I am fasting (Mormon custom of abstaining from food and water for 24 hours) but I did drink enough water to slide a Claritin-D down my throat to combat the fact that I am Allergic. To. Texas. Shoving jitter-inducing drugs into an already jittery guy is like feeding pixie sticks to a ferret. The low pitched whirring you hear is not the fan from your computer, it is my heart desperately racing to keep up with the low-blood sugar drug fueled semi-panicked state I now find myself in.

The previous paragraph, my peeps, was totally random. And unfortunately, because of the ferret like stupor I now find myself in, so will the rest of this column be. Or so will be the rest of this column. Or the rest of this column will so be. Pick whichever grammatical construct best suits you. It's like a choose your own adventure but with grammar instead of, you know, adventure.

Wow, even the paragraph describing how this column was going to be random ended up being random. Now, let the randomness commence, if it has not already.

Everybody keeps giving President Obama credit for appointing the first transgendered person to his cabinet. Oh how quickly we forget Janet Reno.

It is good to see President Obama keeping his campaign promise (which he re-iterated over eight times on the campaign trail) to allow C-SPAN cameras into the healthcare bill deliberations. Wait..what? You mean he has not? You mean to tell me that the most significant legislation in the past 30 years is being deliberated exclusively behind closed doors and the American public won't even have 24 hours to look at it before it is approved along a strictly partisan line? That Obama campaign was like a fun night out on the town, getting drunk on HopeyChangey only to wake up next to the Reid-Pelosi Healthcare love child. How much HopeyChangey do you have to drink for that to look good? Answer: Ask Keith Olbermann.

I have said it before and I will say it again: worrying about the American Health care system while unemployment hovers around 10% is like worrying about watering the plants while the house burns down.

Considering the last two would-be terrorists on American-bound planes have smuggled explosives in their shoes and underwear, I think the answer to our security problems is rather obvious. Forget the full body scanners, just ban footwear and undergarments. It would be like flying through the sky on a plane full of Mathew McConaugheys.

As Jeff Jacoby from the Boston Globe pointed out this week, the Mayo Clinic, which Barack Obama has touted as a model of efficiency and compassion that the whole healthcare system should emulate, announced that it will no longer accept patients using Medicare. Why? Because Medicare only covers 50% of the cost to deliver service. This is particularly important in light of the fact that much of the proposed healthcare bill is paid for by slashing Medicare payouts to doctors. I guess once everybody on Medicare is unable to find a Doctor to treat them, the costs of Medicare really will go down. After all, the cheapest healthcare is the healthcare you never receive.

It turns out Barack Obama is against gay marriage after all. If you look into the details of the healthcare bill being bandied about in the shadows of congress, you will find that some couples could pay up to $2,000 more in health insurance premiums just for having the gall to be married. Barack Obama is trying to combat gay marriage by making the institution of marriage as unattractive as possible. Well played Mr. President, I knew there was a heartless conservative in there somewhere!

So I went to a home football game for the University of Texas and I noticed a few things:

1) The longhorn really is the perfect mascot for the University of Texas. After all, with Bevo by your side you are never more than a few feet away from a potential BBQ.

2) The University of Texas needs a choir director in the stadium. Every time they "sing" the fight song, all you hear is a conglomeration of chanting and swearing (mostly swearing) that vaguely resembles a biker-gang initiation. I probably heard the Texas fight song 20 times and the only words I could decipher with certainty were "Texas", "Fight" and "Sucks". No seriously. Maybe they just need to sing "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree" to get warmed up.

If you just got that last joke then you are a full on BYU-lovin, green jello eatin' Mormon. I salute you.

3) Do not laugh when Colt McCoy gets hit hard and stays down on the ground for a while. Even though I was wearing full on burnt-orange (when in Rome) and I was sitting in the faculty section surrounded by 75-year old professors, I still almost got a good-old Texas tarin' and featherin' for that one.

4) You know you are in Austin when you walk into a gas station and there is a guy wearing 6-inch platform shoes, white bell-bottoms and a silver sequined shirt unbuttoned to the navel and no one even takes a second glance.

Just for the record all you University of Texas football fans: Brigham Young University has as many national championships and Heisman trophy winners in the last 25 years as you. Recognize!!!

Avatar was the awesomest version of Pocahontas I have ever seen.

When we elected Barack Obama, we elected a good looking, eloquent ideologue. Basically, we elected Sarah Palin without the experience.

One of my good friends, the Contemplative Tulsan, recently wrote about the decade that was and all the things that happened to him. Which got me thinking about the last ten years of my life and all I can say is HOLY MOTHER OF MARVIN THE MARTIAN! I've done a whole lot of livin'! Consider that in the last ten years I have: Returned from a mission to a third world country, met the love of my life, gotten married, received both a bachelors degree and a masters degree, stood on the Great Wall of China, floated in Hong Kong harbor, squatted in a Viet-cong tunnel, ridden a Cambodian elephant, gotten a full time job, moved seven times, bought my first home, saw every episode of Firefly twice, and brought five of my own children into this world.

Now one final word before I pass out from my Claritin-D'licious induced haze: desultory. Why? Because it is random.


Neal and Shannon said...

You gotta stop making me giggle so much at work man. It's unprofessional :).

I dunno what amount of nervous energy you need to invest in order to come up with so much creativity, but whatever you do, keep doin' it. I love it.

Trait said...

This entry made me laugh and freaked me out a little, too. You are a crazy, crazy man.

Thanks for the link!

Goose said...

You are funny. Please start blogging again. I shall become a follower -- you got talent, man.