Sunday, September 20, 2009

Adventures in See World

Neitzsche once said that when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. I hope this is not true of gazing long into the under-dressed churning masses at Sea World. I know what I saw in the churning masses (i.e. 99% of women who wear bikini's shouldn't) and I would hate to think of what the churning masses saw in me (i.e. I shouldn't be wearing a bikini either). Here are some more of my observations, by the numbers, from yesterdays foray into Sea World with the kids.

1,000,000-grains of sand that managed to work their way into my toddlers diaper after one minute of playing in the sand box.

10,000- people with tattoos. Sometimes I feel like I must be the only person left on earth who has not seen fit to bedazzle his body with Chinese doodles.

300-weight, in pounds, of the girl whose bright red shirt read: "If you were me, you would be awesome." Clearly the literal nature of this shirt had not occurred to her.

60-soaked people sent scrambling up the stairs at the Shamu show with crying infants in their arms who discovered first hand that Shamu swims in water with a temperature hovering around true zero. This is, of course, my favorite part of the Shamu show. Before the show begins, they provide ample warning that those sitting in the first 16 rows will be soaked. Yet sure enough, after the first big splash, you can see waves of humanity scrambling up the stairs with expensive cameras and crying infants shocked- shocked!- to find themselves suddenly turned into a salt water slushy. Shamu is a Killer Whale people! Expect no mercy.

22-size in inches, that one's waste must be in order to use the middle seat of the monkey ride. All the other large seats were taken and my toddler really wanted to go, so alas, I crammed my generously endowed hind-quarters into that seat and rode on till my legs were numb.

20-seconds needed by that guy sitting on the curb to change the diaper of the infant precariously laid across his lap. As a father, you come to admire such displays of parental prowess. To you Mister Curb-Sitting-Lap-Using-Twenty-Second-Diaper-Changer I tip my figurative cap. You are now in league with the Across-the-Room-Baby-Poop-Identifier and the One-Handed-Child-Puke-Catcher.

12-times, while watching the large whales interact with their uber-skinny trainers, that I thought we had accidentally walked into the Rosie O'Donnell- Clay Aiken show. The only difference, really, is that Shamu is rewarded with fish instead of Twinkies.

3-wet wipes needed to clean up the kids before they could eat their Cheetos.

3-wet wipes needed to clean up the kids after they ate their Cheetos.

Zero-Penguins caught displaying their, ahem, procreative proclivities. The great fear of any young parent when taking his children to a place with animals on display, is that intended lesson on the animals in nature will turn into a lesson on the nature in the animals. I remember visiting the zoo with my wife, long before having children, and coming across two tortoises amorously engaged for all the world to see. Just then, a mother called to her young children and said "hay kids, come look at the turtl…….oh!" By then it was too late. Now mommy had some serious 'splainin to do. Who could ever expect such behavior from the tortoise? Monkies, sure. But the tortoise? Luckily, yesterdays penguins where cute, cuddly and purely platonic.


The Clifts said...

I'm guessing we won't get to hear from you for awhile after this week. But we will be anxiously awainting your return. Tell Robyn Good Luck and to call me if she needs anything.

Sara said...

Oh my freaking heck you are hysterical!

Trait said...

Bro, you had me rolling. Man, I wish we could hang out again. It's probably better for civilization that we don't hang out too often, but think of the possibilities.