Sunday, September 20, 2009

Adventures in See World

Neitzsche once said that when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. I hope this is not true of gazing long into the under-dressed churning masses at Sea World. I know what I saw in the churning masses (i.e. 99% of women who wear bikini's shouldn't) and I would hate to think of what the churning masses saw in me (i.e. I shouldn't be wearing a bikini either). Here are some more of my observations, by the numbers, from yesterdays foray into Sea World with the kids.

1,000,000-grains of sand that managed to work their way into my toddlers diaper after one minute of playing in the sand box.

10,000- people with tattoos. Sometimes I feel like I must be the only person left on earth who has not seen fit to bedazzle his body with Chinese doodles.

300-weight, in pounds, of the girl whose bright red shirt read: "If you were me, you would be awesome." Clearly the literal nature of this shirt had not occurred to her.

60-soaked people sent scrambling up the stairs at the Shamu show with crying infants in their arms who discovered first hand that Shamu swims in water with a temperature hovering around true zero. This is, of course, my favorite part of the Shamu show. Before the show begins, they provide ample warning that those sitting in the first 16 rows will be soaked. Yet sure enough, after the first big splash, you can see waves of humanity scrambling up the stairs with expensive cameras and crying infants shocked- shocked!- to find themselves suddenly turned into a salt water slushy. Shamu is a Killer Whale people! Expect no mercy.

22-size in inches, that one's waste must be in order to use the middle seat of the monkey ride. All the other large seats were taken and my toddler really wanted to go, so alas, I crammed my generously endowed hind-quarters into that seat and rode on till my legs were numb.

20-seconds needed by that guy sitting on the curb to change the diaper of the infant precariously laid across his lap. As a father, you come to admire such displays of parental prowess. To you Mister Curb-Sitting-Lap-Using-Twenty-Second-Diaper-Changer I tip my figurative cap. You are now in league with the Across-the-Room-Baby-Poop-Identifier and the One-Handed-Child-Puke-Catcher.

12-times, while watching the large whales interact with their uber-skinny trainers, that I thought we had accidentally walked into the Rosie O'Donnell- Clay Aiken show. The only difference, really, is that Shamu is rewarded with fish instead of Twinkies.

3-wet wipes needed to clean up the kids before they could eat their Cheetos.

3-wet wipes needed to clean up the kids after they ate their Cheetos.

Zero-Penguins caught displaying their, ahem, procreative proclivities. The great fear of any young parent when taking his children to a place with animals on display, is that intended lesson on the animals in nature will turn into a lesson on the nature in the animals. I remember visiting the zoo with my wife, long before having children, and coming across two tortoises amorously engaged for all the world to see. Just then, a mother called to her young children and said "hay kids, come look at the turtl…….oh!" By then it was too late. Now mommy had some serious 'splainin to do. Who could ever expect such behavior from the tortoise? Monkies, sure. But the tortoise? Luckily, yesterdays penguins where cute, cuddly and purely platonic.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Now is the Summer of Our Discontent

For President Obama, calling this summer a disappointment is tantamount to calling Transformers 2 demure and introspective. For the current administration, this summer has been a bombastic, glittery display of ineptitude and failure. No amount of CGI could put a positive spin on Obama's poll numbers where he is losing ground among all possible constituents- Democrats, Republicans and Independents.

Since World War II only two other President's (Ford and Clinton) saw their approval ratings go below 50% faster. In fact, it took George H.W. Bush three years for his approval ratings to get anywhere near where Obama is at a mere 8 months into his first term. Regardless of the statistics, this much is clear: America is rejecting Obama faster than a black-market kidney and here is why.

School Speech or Rallying Cry?

Let me state up front that I have no problem with President Obama asking for an opportunity to speak to America's youth in their schools. In fact, I welcome it. As President, he should be reaching out to the next generation and encouraging them to do better. I applaud him for the speech and I certainly hope it is taken to heart by those who heard it.

What I do have a problem with are the suggested lesson plans forwarded on to schools from the Obama administration prior to the speech that included such loaded questions as "How can I help President Obama?" or "How will he inspire us?" These questions turned a speech about staying in school into a rallying cry for the Obama Youth. Maybe for the next speech, they can just forgo the lesson plans all together and send each child their own Obama Youth arm bands. In classic Obama form, he managed to clutch failure right out of the jaws of success.

Background Check Czar

All those Czar's and President Barack Obama doesn't have a single person in the White House capable of running a background check? You would think with all his technological savvy, President Obama would at least Google the names of his staff before declaring them special advisors. Alas, this lesson is too little, to late to save the former Green Jobs Czar, Van Jones.

In Van Jones, Obama thought he was getting an experienced environmental advocate, but what he ended up with was an admitted socialist and supporter of cop killers like Mumia Abu Jamal. That much, however, Obama could live with. It turns out Jones's cardinal sin was not his support of an economic system that has led to the impoverishment of billions of people, but rather his support for a petition that called 9-11 an inside job. I guess President Obama is okay with communists in his cabinet, but he draws the line at having anybody near him who would blame the government for anything.

The Grassroots are Never Greener on the Other Side

Conservative activism used to be an oxymoron. Holding up signs, disrupting meetings and shouting down the opposition used to be the exclusive domain of leftist protestors. Then Barack Obama mentioned the words "Public Option" and suddenly every townhall meeting in America turned into ground zero for conservative anger and angst. Now it is conservatives making the signs, shouting the chants and getting their faces on the evening news.

Nancy Pelosi and much of the other Democrats on Capital Hill wrote the protests off as "Astroturf" movements organized by special interests. Suddenly, it turns out, dissent wasn't patriotic. Looks like San Fran Gran Nan is going to have to scrape that bumper sticker off her car.

If Nancy would just look closer (assuming all those botox injections still allow her to squint her eyes) she might see that the opposite is true. It is the pro-Obamacare crowd that is being organized and cajoled into action by special interests. For Nancy Pelosi, the grass isn't greener on her side. The grass isn't real at all. All you have to do is look at the signs.

For example, one photojournalist in Denver ( took pictures of all the pro and anti-Obamacare protestors who showed up for Pelosi's visit to a local clinic. If you look at the pictures of the conservative, anti-Obamacare activists you will notice they all have one thing in common: they are all home made. If you look at the signs for the liberal pro-Obamacare protestors you will see that they are all holding the same professionally made signs that point you to a common website. Subsequently this photojournalist points out that three of the pro-Obamacare liberal protestors are actually Mexican day laborers who don't even know what the signs they are carrying mean.

Lets see, one side is using unorganized, homemade signs while the other is using manufactured, professional signs held aloft by hired hands. Which side would you say is true grassroots?

President Obama has just not been able to wrap his mind around the fear most American's have of a government run healthcare option. President Obama, in attempt to ease peoples concerns, only made them worse when he compared the government run option to the U.S. postal service. Yes, that is just what people want out of healthcare: long lines, substandard facilities and damaged goods. The harder President Obama pushes for healthcare, the faster his approval rating falls.

Endure us, Honduras

No action taken by the Obama administration is as wrong, ill advised and out right foolish as his actions towards Honduras.

Quick recap of the facts. President Zelaya, in direct defiance of the Honduran constitution, sought a special election to allow himself to serve another term in office. He had special ballots for the referendum printed in Venezuela (for the record, ballots from Venezuela are about as trustworthy as spring water from New Jersey) and shipped in to the country. The Honduran Supreme Court declared the referendum unconstitutional (because under the Honduran constitution a referendum could only be ordered by the legislature) and seized the ballots. Zelaya, following the example of Venezuelan thug Hugo Chavez, then led an angry mob into a military base to reclaim the ballots and distribute them illegally. The opposition had already stated it would refuse to participate in the election so any results Zelaya could achieve from a farcical referendum would be a misrepresentation of the people. Because of his aggressive acts and willful violation of the law, the Supreme Court ordered the military to arrest Zelaya and the legislature voted to provide Roberto Michelleti (a member of Zelaya's own party) with temporary presidential powers until an election could be held in November.

Despite the obvious democratic and legal justification for Zelaya's arrest, the President Obama has preferred to officially sanction Honduras until Zelaya is returned to power. At first the sanction came in the form of non-recognition for the new government, but now they have taken more drastic measures such as revoking government visa's and finally denying hundreds of millions of dollars of aid to the impoverished nation.

There is simply no justification for Obama's actions other than a desperate attempt to seek favor from the South American thug-in-chief (and fellow book club member) Hugo Chavez. We should expect our President to courageously stand for Freedom and Democracy, instead, President Obama has chosen the cowards path in favor of the thugocracy currently ravishing South America.

That raspy sound you hear in the distance? That would be FDR and JFK rolling over in their graves.

If this summer of our discontent has proved anything it is this: when you elect a man President who has no idea what he is doing, you end up with a President who has no idea what he is doing.