Sunday, March 8, 2009

All Your Lungs Are Belong to Us!

My Lungs are slowly destroying the planet. Every time I breath, my lungs take life-affirming oxygen and turn it into earth-burning carbon dioxide. The fact that my lungs can convert something so innocent and healthy into something couch-jumpingly evil has me convinced my lungs are full of miniature-Scientologists.

That is why I have decided to adapt a sedentary life style. If every breath I take slowly destroys the earth, than each calorie I leave un-burned helps heal the world. That's right, I am decreasing my carbon-footprint one elevator, escalator and moving side-walk ride at a time. At least that is what Al Gore would have me do and he should know; he is a world renowned expert on exuding hot air. It is simply a matter of time before the government begins to impose strict exercise taxes on anyone would have the audacity to pollute the environment with the air from their lungs just so they can stay slim and healthy.

While you may be surprised to discover, based on all that you have heard lately, carbon is actually a good thing. Are we not carbon based life forms? (The only exception being Rosie O'donell who is, I believe, the worlds first Twinkie-based life form) What does it take, then, to turn the building block of life into a planet-destroying villain that we all must eradicate? It takes the same thing Dr. Atkins relied on when he convinced people bacon was healthier than bread. Faith.

Faith is the building block of modern environmentalism. It is faith that allows global warming-Chicken Littles to take specious scientific data and turn it into sky-is-falling fact. It is faith that allows people to continue their belief in Global Warming orthodoxy even when it snows three inches in Las Vegas.

Reliance on faith is not the only similarity between the green movement and religion. In fact, the two are completely indistinguishable. Global Warming has all the basic tenets of any religion. For scripture it has Michael Mann's Hockey Stick. For Prophets it has Al Gore. Sin comes in the form of carbon emissions and forgiveness in the form of carbon-neutrality. The global warming movement even has apocalyptic warnings to rival anything found in the book of Revelations. While it took several centuries for Christianity to begin selling indulgences, the green movement managed, in only a few decades, to start selling them in the form of "carbon off-sets".

Needless to say, I am what the true-green believers have labeled a "Global Warming skeptic," much in the same way Christopher Columbus was labeled a "flat-earth skeptic" by the predominant religion of his time. There are fundamental question about Global Warming that, for me, have yet to be answered by empirical data.

First and foremost, is the globe actually heating up? If the globe is heating up, is it just the cyclical nature of global temperature which we know for a fact was even higher during the medieval ages despite the auspicious lack of SUV's?

How can global warming be held responsible for making things too hot, too cold, too wet and too dry all at the same time? It seems there is no climatic anomaly that cannot be laid at the feet of global warming.

If the earth is heating, how can we be sure it is our fault? Recent global-warming on Mars indicates that either the sun is to blame or the Martians have all managed to switch over to a Prius.

Is global-warming really a bad thing? Correct me if I am wrong, but wouldn't a warmer planet lead to increased evaporation, additional rain fall, longer summers and better overall growing conditions? If you are interested at all in eating, like I am, how can we be sure a warmer planet is the doomsday world the media likes to portray it to be. Did you know that despite the supposed melting glaciers and ice caps, world sea levels have not increased since 1979? There goes my chance at Nevada beach front property.

Is increased carbon dioxide in the atmosphere causing Global Warming, or being by caused by Global Warming. If you learn anything in an entry level statistics class it is that correlation is not always causation. Did you know that every year the sale of ice cream increases at the same time the national murder rate increases? Does this mean ice cream causes murder? No, it is called summer time and most murders and ice cream sales happen to take place during those three balmy months.

While my heartless conservativism can be blamed for many things, such as my desire to punch innocent puppies and deny free bus passes to war widows, when it comes to my inability to baptize myself in the Church of Global Warming, being conservative has nothing to do with it.

On issues of energy usage and pollution there is little about the global warming movement with which I disagree. I believe we should have very strict minimum MPG standards for every new car sold in America. I believe we need to get away from coal powered electric plants and rely more on renewable sources of energy like wind, geothermal and especially nuclear. I believe that American industries should have tight pollution controls put in place. Much of the changes being advocated by Green theists I fully endorse and support.

But using an unproven theory like Global Warming to push matters of public policy only polarizes the electorate. All of us see the looming energy crisis that will occur if we don't get a handle on our addiction to oil. No one, conservative or liberal, can argue with the need to stop sending so much of our money to terrorist-supporting oil barons. We have reason enough to begin seeking alternative energy solutions without green zealots smacking us over the head with the Gospel according to Gore.

Concerning global warming, we all need to take a long deep breath no matter how many polar bears it kills.


Ty said...

Very nice, Joel. I'm very glad that you wrote this because it expresses so much of what I think.

To expand on the non-rising sea levels: I think this is the biggest crock of a danger anyway. When I fill a glass to the top with ice and water and the ice melts, the glass doesn't overflow. It's called displacement. The only way the sea levels might change by melting ice is if ice covered parts of land melt and run into the ocean and change the level of the sea somewhere else. But then we freed up all that land that was covered in ice. It's win-win. Maybe win-win-win.

Trait said...

Joel, while I share a portion of your skepticism, I do believe that our globe is generally in a warming trend. As you mentioned, the question is whether this is related to man or a natural cycle of the Earth's growth. I think it's both. You can't ignore the impact of 6 billion people burning fossil fuels.

Yes, the global warming zealots have taken the ferver of religious extremists. However, I believe rational thinking people such as ourselves should seek an appropriate balance between being good global stewards and and fostering a healthy economic atmosphere.

I would recommend a viewing of the PBS Frontline episode of Heat. I found it to be a very balanced view of the current situation regarding global warming. You can watching it online on the Frontline website.

The Average Joel said...

If there is anything to brothers from Brady Texas can be counted on, it is good looks, thoughtful insight, and fists full of BBQ goat. Men from Brady, I salute you!

Rachel said...

Although it is considered a 'warming trend,' the correct term is now 'climate change' (or 'Climate Change' if you really want to get the gravity of the problem across.) Personally, I believe that enough snow in Vegas to close the airports is a change in their climate. And for some people, it is 'warming'. I decided Al Gore was right the way I walked up a San Francisco hill during a 97 degree day. (although, i agree that isn't all that warm, it is in a city with no air conditioned buildings with an average high of about 65 (i made that up, its probably close to 68..)) The problem with the ocean isn't so much overflow from melting ice caps, but a change in currents caused by a change in the climate, which then further effects climates and causes a big mess (i could try to explain that with science.. but that is much better left to people who can explain science far better than i). And youre right, just as the vikings got vineyards, climate change is good for some people... Siberia is likely to have a booming agricultural industry. That sounds like a joke, but its actually true. But, it doesnt work out for the places that become so hot and drought filled, they are unlivable, or under piles of snow, or worse yet, ocean. You are also right that science can not prove 'fault' lies with the actions of people, perhaps god decided he wanted to summer in the north pole, i don't know. However, science CAN prove that humans aggravate the problem, and that steps we take can help lessen the impact.
I may be a crazy liberal, but i actually don't usually buy into the whole 'science' thing :).. but this is actually real and it is a problem... but, if you don't want your children to be able to breathe or go outside, go ahead and continue in your denial :)