Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Joelies: The 2008 Average Joel Movie Awards

Turn on the spot light and roll out the red carpet! It's time for the 2008 Average Joel Movie Awards. Each year, I present Joelies to Hollywood's most deserving actors and movies based on completely arbitrary categories. It's just like the Oscar's, only interesting. Without further ado, the envelope please…….

Best Actor: Wall-e, Wall-e

He sings, he dances, he collects trash and compacts them into one foot cubes. Lets see Anthony Hopkins do all that without a strong laxative. This of course shows the brilliance of Pixar, who can take a two foot Robot with three fingers capable only of moving his eyes up and down and produce a more dynamic character than anything Keaunu Reeves has ever played.

Best Supporting Actor: Heath Leadger, Batman Dark Knight

You know your performance is nothing less than brilliant when you can turn something as innocent as hand sanitizer and make it look creepy. I imagine every magician in the world must hate Heath Ledger. Now every time a magician asks someone if they want to see a magic trick, this poor person covers their right eye and runs away screaming.

Best Actress: The Monster, Cloverfield

A larger than life woman stumbling around New York dropping babies all over town hasn't been this frightening since Britney was Mrs. Federline.

Best Supporting Actress: Gwyneth Paltrow, Ironman

Gwyneth Paltrow managed to do something in this movie that she has never done before: not annoy the crap out of me. For this, Mrs. Coldplay, we salute you.

Least Attractive Female in a Leading Role: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Batman, The Dark Knight

I thought I might have to retire this award in honor of Julia Styles, then I saw the Dark Knight and realized that the torch had been passed. Perhaps it was the goal of the director to depress us even further by including a female lead whose demeanor can best be described as, well, droopy. She is the physical embodiment of Eeyor.

With this award, we clearly see that the Batman franchise is suffering from a chronic case of LFHD (Lead Female Hotness Degeneration). Consider the leading ladies from each of the franchise's films: Kim Basinger, Michele Pfeiffer, Nicole Kidman, Alicia Silverstone, Katie Holmes and now Maggie Gyllenhaal. Each one less attractive their predecessor. I suppose at this rate, the next Catwoman will probably be played by Judy Dench.

Best Man Movie: Quantum of Solace.

From a man's perspective, this movie has it all. Cars, fist fights, explosions, hot babes covered in oil. And just like a man, this movie also refuses to stop and ask for directions providing those along for the journey with any semblance of where they are or where they are going. Just get in, buckle up and don't ask questions.

Worst Movie Rating: The Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian

I have not seen a movie this undeservedly PG since Star Wars: Episode II, a movie with more decapitations than good acting. Prince Caspian features body after body being shot down with arrows, multiple battle scenes, a pagan ritual to bring back a dead ice queen, horrifying dwarves and four children getting onto a subway without adult supervision. The rating system simply does not mean anything anymore when this type of movie
is considered just as appropriate for children as, say, Enchanted.

Best Fight Scene:Kung-fu Panda

Sure, watching James Bond duke it out in an exploding, Bolivian desert hotel is pretty nifty, but even that pales in comparison to watching the Furious Five take on a crazed snow leopard atop a rickety old bridge. Did I mention, the Monkey is voice by Jackie Chan? Anytime Jackie Chan is involved, your best fight Joelie is assured.

Best Remake of a Remake:The Incredible Hulk

The movie did exactly what it needed to: make us pretend that The Hulk never existed.

Best Sidekick: The Refrigerator, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Sure, the Shia Lebeoughfffffghff guy had spunk and moxy, but do you think he could save Indiana Jones from a Nuclear Explosion? No amount of fancy motor-cycle driving is going to save you from the on rush of a mushroom cloud. Yup, when Uncle Sam goes nuclear, who among us wouldn't want our trusty, lead-lined Frigidaire. And for that, Mr. Refrigerator, you will always be in our hearts.

This is, of course, not the first time an Indiana Jones sidekick has been upstaged by a refrigerator. Poor Short Round's 15 minutes of fame were quickly forgotten when Walter, "The Refrigerator" Perry Superbowl Shuffled his way into our hearts the following year.


Loni said...

I loved the Eyore comparison. I kept watching that girl throughout the movie and thought, "Isn't she supposed to be pretty...?" She was just whiny and plain. I never thought I would long for Katie Homes...

As for Wall-E, about the only thing I enjoyed in that movie was Wall-E. It was okay. I just figure if I have to convince my four-year-old daughter, who has a great attention span, to keep watching a kid's movie, then it's probably not a very effective kid's movie and it didn't entertain the adults in the room very much either. We'll talk this weekend about our differing movie opinions. Come on Pixar, I just want another Cars!

The Clifts said...

I have to say, your blog has to be my new favorite of all time. I always read it when I need something to remind me that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. You just write it better. :)
(P.S. i agree with Loni completely about Wall-e. I think you need a ballot recount.)