Sunday, January 4, 2009

2009: A Year in Preview

Doing a review of 2008 and is SO four days ago. Now that 2009 has knocked on our door and invited itself in like a crazy cousin trying to sell you on Amway, we had better get used to the idea that it is here and that the only way to escape it is death. On that happy note, I would like to usher in the new year with my preview of 2009.

In an attempt to keep money in his bank and carbon-producing fuel in his private jet, Al Gore will start making even crazier predictions. Just last month he stated that in 5 years, all of the arctic ice will melt. By this time next year, he will be predicting an attack from a mechanized alien race that has been trapped beneath the ice for a thousand years ushering in a new millennium of doom. DOOM!

While people like Hugo Chavez and Robert Mugabe use socialist ideology to drive once prosperous countries into the ground, the news media will continue to report that capitalism has failed.

The National Hurricane center will predict an above-average number of Hurricanes. This will continue their trend of making panic-inducing predictions regardless of empirical evidence. Al Gore must sit on their board.

In college football, Georgia and Auburn will receive high pre-season rankings only to tank in every important game on their schedule.

Adam Sandler will make another gazillion dollars starring in a movie based on flatulence and annoying voices.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will adopt an entire African village. In unrelated news, the demand for L.A. area nannies who speak fluent Swahili will get so high that Manute Bol will consider coming out of retirement.

All summer, cable news journalists will dedicate a portion of each broadcast to either 1) Tracking a hurricane 2) Talking about a hurricane 3) Talking from inside a hurricane 4) Showing the aftermath of a hurricane or 5) predicting future hurricanes. Personally, I think we could make the whole summer more interesting if we started naming Hurricanes after race horses. Having your city demolish be Hurricane Man o' War makes sounds a lot better than getting beat up by a Katrina. Just imagine the wrath of Hurricane Seabiscuit: the little storm that could.

At some point, we will discover that someone else from Barack Obama's past is either a terrorist (Bill Ayers), a slum lord (Tony Rezko), a corrupt politician (Governor Blagojavich) or a racist (Jeremiah Wright, his own grandmother). Barack Obama will immediately denounce this person in a mesmerizing 90 minute speech which Chris Mathews will call "The best speech I have ever heard since the last one President Obama gave."

This summer, the price of gas will start to climb again and Anderson Cooper will dedicate an entire broadcast to interviewing people complaining about how much money it costs to fill up their 5-mile-a-gallon Hummer.

Financial Analysts who can't predict what is going to happen on the stock market in any given hour will make sure-fire predictions about what is going to happen in the stock market next year.

During the annual Academy Awards, Hollywood will see fit to present Oscar upon Oscar to some pretentious, three-hour movie that is either anti-war, anti-religion or anti-republican. This movie will double its ticket sales in number of Oscars received.

Paris Hilton will once again prove Einstein's theory of relativity by making her 15-minutes of fame stretch on for eternity.

Boys and Girls from across the country will descend on Washington DC and demand a bailout for the failing lemonade-stand industry.

During the summer, somewhere in the middle-east a camel will sneeze instantly raising the price of oil by $10 a barrel.


Corincredible said...

I love reading your blogs, Joel.

Happy New Year!


♥georgie♥ said...

wow now thats a 2009 preview!
is it wrong that i actually like Adam Sandler?

Rachel said...

"While people like Hugo Chavez and Robert Mugabe use socialist ideology to drive once prosperous countries into the ground, the news media will continue to report that capitalism has failed."

You forgot Barack Obama :)

Loni said...

Love it!

The only thing I would add to the part about morning new reporting shows, is that they will yet again go on a pilgrimage of global warming 'hot spots' (pun intended).

Would you again that this global warming phenom is one of the causes of the stock market crash? Farmers, for example, were forced to satisfy additional environmental demands, as well as the increase in oil cost, made the price for all the food go up, making everything else go up too (nothing against organic food or anything, I just thought it happened too fast, and isn't all food technically 'organic'?).