Sunday, December 7, 2008

Putting the $$ back into Rece$$ion

When the CEO's of the big three automakers heard that Barack Obama was going to bring change to Washington, they must have understood he meant spare change. How else would you explain the metaphoric tin cup they have been holding out for the past month. They should just get some cheap cardboard signs that read "Will work for Bailout".

Unlike these same CEOS who would not recognize an innovative idea if it knocked on their door and claimed to be their long lost son, I have five fool-proof ideas to make money in tough economic times.

REALITY BITES… AND BRINGS HOME THE BACON

If the hit reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8 has taught us anything, America is still willing to buy tickets to a freak show. In fact, the entire TLC channel is being hijacked by reality shows about freakish families. They should just change the motto of the network to "And you thought your life sucked.." Which inspires my most fool proof money-making technique yet: creating my own reality TV show! It is a simple three step process:

Step One: Quit my job and begin pursuing my dream job of becoming a multi-platinum rapper named Sloppee Jo'

Step Two: Impregnate my wife with child number four. Considering my wife is as fertile as a Tennessee Valley, this is the easy part.

Step Three: Contact TLC and sell them the rights to the first of its kind reality show about a white wanna-be rapper, his wife and four children tastefully called Jo', Da' Ho, and Da' Fo' Mo'

JUNK SCIENCE: THE MOVIE

Don't know anything about making movies? Don't know anything about science or empirical data? Don't worry. All it takes is one snazzy powerpoint and a bunch of chicken-little-worse-case-scenario-statistics and a snappy Melissa-Ethridge inspired soundtrack to earn yourself a hit movie, an Oscar nod and if you are lucky, the Nobel Peace Prize.

I think Al Gore must spend all day laughing and rolling around in the ill-gotten lucre filling his 10,000 square-foot mansion with a carbon footprint the size of Paul Bunyan's.

My movie is going to be about how Dentists have convinced the world that wisdom teeth are unnecessary just so they can make billions of dollars removing them from the mouths of their unsuspecting victims. I call it An Inconvenient Tooth

WHO NEEDS SKELETONS IN YOUR CLOSET WHEN YOU'VE GOT CLINTONS IN YOUR CABINET

It seems the only thing people are doing more than file for unemployment benefits is run for President. When it comes to gaining full time employment, all these Presidential wannabees may be on to something. After all, the only place that is hiring these days appears to be the Office of the President, oh I'm sorry, Office of the President Elect.

And the surest way to procure gainful employment within the Whitehouse to-be is to be a former opponent of Barack Obama. Call him dangerously unqualified? You'll get the Vice Presidency. Worry about his ability to handle midnight telephone calls? Secretary of State is yours. If only Bill Richardson had withheld his endorsement of Obama, he might have been able to do better than Commerce Secretary.

Well Mr Obama, much like Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, and Bill Richardson, I also opposed your presidency. I will gladly accept your nomination as Director of National Intelligence, or has that job already been offered to Dennis Kucinich?

GATE®

I have already missed the boat on trade marking the word Change and Bailout which would have earned me no less than $1 billion this year so I am going to jump ahead of the pack and trademark the word gate. You know, as in Watergate, Troopergate, Katrinagate and Travelgate. Let's just say I have a hunch that over the next four to eight years, we are going to be using this word a lot.

IS THAT A GUN IN YOUR POCKET..?

We can all thank Plaxico Burress for pointing out that when it comes to gun violence in a New York night club, we have nothing to fear but fear ourselves. Which is why I am going to invent the first pair of pants with bullet proof pockets. Our motto: "When the safety just isn't enough."

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