Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Nanny State

I always expected the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse to usher in the age of darkness with a thunderous whinny, not a nasally whine. Alas, my erroneous predispositions not withstanding, it appears as though such an apocalyptic age is nigh. Grab your children and head for the proverbial hills. America's most obnoxious sitcom nanny has asked to be considered for a vacant senate seat. That's right, Fran Drescher is headed for Washington.

Yes, that Fran Drescher. You know the big haired Jewish girl from queens who made a living by sounding like a strangled cat with a cold. The same woman whose autobiographical novels include Enter Whining and Cancer Schmancer. Apparently Gilbert Gottfried had already laid claim to the titles Enter Annoying and Prostate Shmostate.

Lets not forget she also starred with Timothy Dalton in one of the silver screens most horrible creations, The Beautician and the Beast. It is the story of an obnoxious, loud talking Jersey girl who wins the affections of an attractive but brutish foreign monarch. For being as staunchly pro-choice as Fran is, there is simply no excuse for her not aborting this cinematic abomination upon conception. As a side note, has there ever been a greater fall from grace in cinematic history than that of Timothy Dalton? In less than ten years, this guy went from starring with Bond girls to bail-bond girls.

Recently on Larry King Live, Franny the Nasal-Nanny announced her intentions to be considered for Hillary Clintons vacant senate seat. Among her many qualifications, she lists being "a product of the New York public school system", having a father "worked two jobs" and being a survivor of cancer. Her most compelling argument: "I was on the panel and cancer, you know, hearings." Apparently she never heard of the sentence and complete, you know, grammar. About the only thing she is qualified to do is host a panel discussion on hairspray, pink lipstick and the Jersey turnpike.

Nevertheless, for the first time in my life, Fran, I can say you have inspired me. Not through your Cancer Schmancer foundation, or your stand against "violence against women and children and animals," but for your stand for the political entitlement of cheap 90's sitcom stars. I think we can all agree the way to fix Washington is spelled TGIF. Just imagine.

Steve Urkel, National Director of Intelligence.

He's smart; He's no good with the ladies and he is a complete Nerd. Perfect for the CIA. Now the next time we are sold a war with faulty intelligence, he can just look into the camera and exclaim "Did I do that?"

Balky Bartokomous, Secretary of State.

He has great foreign experience and a knack for getting along with perfect strangers. He is like a female version of Madeleine Albright. "Russia wants to put nuclear missiles in Venezuela? Get out of the city!"

Kimmy Gibler, Speaker of the House

She is brain dead San Francisco native who you just can't seem to get rid of no matter how hard you try. Put simply, she is basically Nancy Pelosi on Botox.

Mona Robinson, Secretary of Veterans Affairs

Who's the Boss's resident septuagenarian cougar would never get tired of the double entendre offered by that title. Veterans Affairs? Get it? Get it? If this blog had a studio audience, they would be rolling over in their seats. Where is a laugh track when you need it.

By throwing her leopard-print hat into the ring, Fran Drescher shows us that we have entered into the "I could do that" stage of American politics. It is the stage where our government has become so inept that any person with a modicum of success looks at the TV every time Harry Reid speaks and says, "Well…I could do that." And frankly, who could argue? I have no doubt a monkey with a flashlight could offer better guidance than any of the current leaders on Capital Hill, Republican or Democrat.

Let me just say, you think Fran Drescher in the Senate is scary, consider what else she said on Larry King: "Well, you know, I'm a U.S. diplomat now. I was appointed by the State Department. Hillary Clinton is going to be my new boss. I just returned from a four country Eastern European tour of duty."

Now you tell me which is worse, the Nanny representing the people of New York in Washington DC or the Nanny representing the people of the United States all across the world. Suddenly Senator Fran Drescher doesn't sound so bad.


Seth Nielson said...

Nice. Loved it.

-- Seth Nielson

Loni said...

Yikes! That's terrifying!