Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Nanny State

I always expected the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse to usher in the age of darkness with a thunderous whinny, not a nasally whine. Alas, my erroneous predispositions not withstanding, it appears as though such an apocalyptic age is nigh. Grab your children and head for the proverbial hills. America's most obnoxious sitcom nanny has asked to be considered for a vacant senate seat. That's right, Fran Drescher is headed for Washington.

Yes, that Fran Drescher. You know the big haired Jewish girl from queens who made a living by sounding like a strangled cat with a cold. The same woman whose autobiographical novels include Enter Whining and Cancer Schmancer. Apparently Gilbert Gottfried had already laid claim to the titles Enter Annoying and Prostate Shmostate.

Lets not forget she also starred with Timothy Dalton in one of the silver screens most horrible creations, The Beautician and the Beast. It is the story of an obnoxious, loud talking Jersey girl who wins the affections of an attractive but brutish foreign monarch. For being as staunchly pro-choice as Fran is, there is simply no excuse for her not aborting this cinematic abomination upon conception. As a side note, has there ever been a greater fall from grace in cinematic history than that of Timothy Dalton? In less than ten years, this guy went from starring with Bond girls to bail-bond girls.

Recently on Larry King Live, Franny the Nasal-Nanny announced her intentions to be considered for Hillary Clintons vacant senate seat. Among her many qualifications, she lists being "a product of the New York public school system", having a father "worked two jobs" and being a survivor of cancer. Her most compelling argument: "I was on the panel and cancer, you know, hearings." Apparently she never heard of the sentence and complete, you know, grammar. About the only thing she is qualified to do is host a panel discussion on hairspray, pink lipstick and the Jersey turnpike.

Nevertheless, for the first time in my life, Fran, I can say you have inspired me. Not through your Cancer Schmancer foundation, or your stand against "violence against women and children and animals," but for your stand for the political entitlement of cheap 90's sitcom stars. I think we can all agree the way to fix Washington is spelled TGIF. Just imagine.

Steve Urkel, National Director of Intelligence.

He's smart; He's no good with the ladies and he is a complete Nerd. Perfect for the CIA. Now the next time we are sold a war with faulty intelligence, he can just look into the camera and exclaim "Did I do that?"


Balky Bartokomous, Secretary of State.

He has great foreign experience and a knack for getting along with perfect strangers. He is like a female version of Madeleine Albright. "Russia wants to put nuclear missiles in Venezuela? Get out of the city!"


Kimmy Gibler, Speaker of the House

She is brain dead San Francisco native who you just can't seem to get rid of no matter how hard you try. Put simply, she is basically Nancy Pelosi on Botox.


Mona Robinson, Secretary of Veterans Affairs

Who's the Boss's resident septuagenarian cougar would never get tired of the double entendre offered by that title. Veterans Affairs? Get it? Get it? If this blog had a studio audience, they would be rolling over in their seats. Where is a laugh track when you need it.

By throwing her leopard-print hat into the ring, Fran Drescher shows us that we have entered into the "I could do that" stage of American politics. It is the stage where our government has become so inept that any person with a modicum of success looks at the TV every time Harry Reid speaks and says, "Well…I could do that." And frankly, who could argue? I have no doubt a monkey with a flashlight could offer better guidance than any of the current leaders on Capital Hill, Republican or Democrat.

Let me just say, you think Fran Drescher in the Senate is scary, consider what else she said on Larry King: "Well, you know, I'm a U.S. diplomat now. I was appointed by the State Department. Hillary Clinton is going to be my new boss. I just returned from a four country Eastern European tour of duty."

Now you tell me which is worse, the Nanny representing the people of New York in Washington DC or the Nanny representing the people of the United States all across the world. Suddenly Senator Fran Drescher doesn't sound so bad.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Putting the $$ back into Rece$$ion

When the CEO's of the big three automakers heard that Barack Obama was going to bring change to Washington, they must have understood he meant spare change. How else would you explain the metaphoric tin cup they have been holding out for the past month. They should just get some cheap cardboard signs that read "Will work for Bailout".

Unlike these same CEOS who would not recognize an innovative idea if it knocked on their door and claimed to be their long lost son, I have five fool-proof ideas to make money in tough economic times.

REALITY BITES… AND BRINGS HOME THE BACON

If the hit reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8 has taught us anything, America is still willing to buy tickets to a freak show. In fact, the entire TLC channel is being hijacked by reality shows about freakish families. They should just change the motto of the network to "And you thought your life sucked.." Which inspires my most fool proof money-making technique yet: creating my own reality TV show! It is a simple three step process:

Step One: Quit my job and begin pursuing my dream job of becoming a multi-platinum rapper named Sloppee Jo'

Step Two: Impregnate my wife with child number four. Considering my wife is as fertile as a Tennessee Valley, this is the easy part.

Step Three: Contact TLC and sell them the rights to the first of its kind reality show about a white wanna-be rapper, his wife and four children tastefully called Jo', Da' Ho, and Da' Fo' Mo'

JUNK SCIENCE: THE MOVIE

Don't know anything about making movies? Don't know anything about science or empirical data? Don't worry. All it takes is one snazzy powerpoint and a bunch of chicken-little-worse-case-scenario-statistics and a snappy Melissa-Ethridge inspired soundtrack to earn yourself a hit movie, an Oscar nod and if you are lucky, the Nobel Peace Prize.

I think Al Gore must spend all day laughing and rolling around in the ill-gotten lucre filling his 10,000 square-foot mansion with a carbon footprint the size of Paul Bunyan's.

My movie is going to be about how Dentists have convinced the world that wisdom teeth are unnecessary just so they can make billions of dollars removing them from the mouths of their unsuspecting victims. I call it An Inconvenient Tooth

WHO NEEDS SKELETONS IN YOUR CLOSET WHEN YOU'VE GOT CLINTONS IN YOUR CABINET

It seems the only thing people are doing more than file for unemployment benefits is run for President. When it comes to gaining full time employment, all these Presidential wannabees may be on to something. After all, the only place that is hiring these days appears to be the Office of the President, oh I'm sorry, Office of the President Elect.

And the surest way to procure gainful employment within the Whitehouse to-be is to be a former opponent of Barack Obama. Call him dangerously unqualified? You'll get the Vice Presidency. Worry about his ability to handle midnight telephone calls? Secretary of State is yours. If only Bill Richardson had withheld his endorsement of Obama, he might have been able to do better than Commerce Secretary.

Well Mr Obama, much like Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, and Bill Richardson, I also opposed your presidency. I will gladly accept your nomination as Director of National Intelligence, or has that job already been offered to Dennis Kucinich?

GATE®

I have already missed the boat on trade marking the word Change and Bailout which would have earned me no less than $1 billion this year so I am going to jump ahead of the pack and trademark the word gate. You know, as in Watergate, Troopergate, Katrinagate and Travelgate. Let's just say I have a hunch that over the next four to eight years, we are going to be using this word a lot.

IS THAT A GUN IN YOUR POCKET..?

We can all thank Plaxico Burress for pointing out that when it comes to gun violence in a New York night club, we have nothing to fear but fear ourselves. Which is why I am going to invent the first pair of pants with bullet proof pockets. Our motto: "When the safety just isn't enough."